


Emotion Study - Guilt

by ThatWildWolf



Series: Emotion Studies [1]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Danse Needs A Hug, Difficult Decisions, Emotion Study, Emotional Baggage, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 07:58:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15190328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWildWolf/pseuds/ThatWildWolf
Summary: --Part of my emotion study series, in which I put a character in a situation which will make one emotion dominant and then describe their thought process.--Deciding on another man's life, be it his subordinate or an enemy, had never been something Paladin Danse had been particularly eager on. Regrettably, people in his position often have to face that decision.





	Emotion Study - Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> When I think about guilt, I can think of so many characters - from Commander Erwin Smith to Commander Shepard... And to conveniently stay in this pattern of commanders, I've chosen (one of the many) suitable characters from Fallout 4.  
> I hope this one isn't too depressing - in order to portray the feeling of guilt, I had to focus on describing the outcomes more than the actual actions, and you know how that gets.

When he thought about it, it wasn't much different than a zombie apocalypse like he had read about in old comic books. People before the War had had such creative imagination.

Zombies, ghouls. What did it matter? There was a difference, of course - he didn't have to worry he would become a ghoul after he died. Although maybe that would be a preferable end, and in the end, some other Knight or Paladin would put a bullet in his head and just finish his sorry life.

For now, he only knew that he deserved that kind of thing. He also deserved to burn in hell.

Guard duty? He could manage guard duty. They had found this police station two days ago and so far nothing had tried to attack it. He didn't know if it was the calm before the storm, dumb luck (luck? he didn't even _know_  what that was) or just some coincidence.

He mostly just amused (amused? more like 'kept himself busy') himself with throwing up a bottlecap and trying to shoot it down with his laser rifle. He had never been as good a shot as Astlin or Hudson, and the bottlecaps were rather small items, so it made for a challenge.

 _Pointless, impractical activity,_ he told himself as he shot down another cap. _And you're wasting bottlecaps_.

For some reason, he didn't stop doing it. Maybe it was because it was something that didn't require any thinking. He could just do it and don't feel anything, even if just for a moment.

He sighed and pulled the holotag with his placement of orders out of the pocket of his uniform (his _Knight's_ uniform, why was he even wearing that one? he was an officer).

Reconnaissance Squad Gladius  
Brotherhood of Steel Capital Wasteland Chapter  
Area of Operation: The Commonwealth  
Squad Members: Knight-Sergeant Dawes, Knight Rhys, Knight Keane, Scribe Brach, Paladin Danse, Knight Worwick, Scribe Haylen.

He looked at the list again. _Knight-Sergeant Dawes. Knight Rhys. Knight Keane. Scribe Brach. Paladin Danse. Knight_ _Worwick_ _. Scribe Haylen._

Names? Titles? He didn't see the titles - he saw the _people_. Who they really were.

Dawes - brilliant tactician, exemplary soldier. Aspiring for a Paladin rank - after completion of this mission, he would most probably get the promotion he had been hoping for. Always generous and down-to-earth, kept a level head at all times. Killed by super mutants at Fort Strong because of the commander's foolish decision to retake the Boston airport with only five people.

Rhys - exemplary soldier, though not one for small talk. Outstanding battle performance almost at all times. Currently in active duty, but shows signs of concern for the well-being of other surviving members of the team, especially the commander.

Keane - youngest member of the squad, barely promoted to Knight a week before the mission had been set. A fair soldier, not falling in any areas. For now still alive, although his health state has decreased since their arrival in the Commonwealth. 

Brach - science and technology expert. Amazing at judging situations. Died after stepping on a landmine during the retreat from a location overtaken by a large group of raiders. Haylen tried to revive him, but it was a vain effort. Again, the commanding officer is to blame because of his poor judgement of the situation.

Danse - commanding officer. Condemned to eternal damnation - if the God Almighty is that merciful.

Worwick - examplary Knight, always in a good mood and trying to lift everyone's spirits. Always with a damn smile on his face, always optimistic. Currently in slow demise due to severe blood loss from multiple gunshot wounds attained at the time Brach had died. Haylen is trying to heal him, but it's futile.

Haylen - medic and junior technology expert. Compassionate and devoted, to both the cause and her brothers in arms. Is to be commended for her efforts in saving the fallen soldiers, even when they're in vain. For now still alive, fighting to keep Worwick alive.

He hid the holotag into his pocket again when the first droplets of rain began falling from the sky and splashing onto its surface.

This wasn't a good day, he thought. Even aside from the fact that his life had been a string of failure the last few days, this day was going to be the breaking point.

Because it was the day he failed.

The day when he failed as a commanding officer, yes. The day when he failed as a soldier, as a friend... Most important of all, the day when he failed as a human being. When he lost his last bits of decency. Well, he hadn't actually done it yet, but he _had_  made the decision - and that was enough to know that this day, which had started in beautiful sunshine and now was ending with lifebringing rain (rain? he never even liked rain. why did he find it so comforting now?) was in fact one of the worst.

Alas, it was not a good day to be Paladin Danse, commander of Reconnaissance Squad Gladius, Brotherhood of Steel Capital Wasteland chapter designated small unit commandment officer.

All those titles and ranks... What was the point of having them if, once in the field, he turned out nothing but useless?

Two.

He threw up another bottlecap and quickly fired two shots, but both missed. _You're wasting ammo, you idiot._ He didn't care about that.

As of today, two of his people were dead. Just... dead. Gone, and they would not be coming back. The worst thing was that he was directly responsible for both deaths. Not just because he was the leader - but because it was _directly_ his fault.

Two of his people were dead and he was about to lose the third - all because he was some kind of pathetic excuse for a leader. He wasn't ready for this.

Everyone around him was dying - because he didn't know how to make the right decisions.

Another bottlecap up went, and another time he missed.

"Dammit, Top! Watch where you're firing that thing!"

There was, of course, always Rhys. It didn't seem like there was anything that could move _him_ , and Danse was wholefully grateful for that. (Was 'wholefully' even a valid word? He hadn't seen a dictionary since they left the Citadel nearly three weeks ago.) Haylen was too nice to everyone and Keane was too dutiful to point anything out, but Rhys had never minded speaking his mind.

"What is it?" He asked quietly.

Rhys looked to an unspecified place on the right. "Haylen. Should I tell her already or..."

"It's fine. I'll do it."

They walked back into the police station together. Keane didn't comment. One look at his commanding officer was enough for him to know that he shouldn't speak up.

"Scribe Haylen..." Danse cleared his throat.

She looked up at him. She looked terrible after two days of not eating anything, instead just tending to the dying Knight. How could he take that away from her? How to tell her that all of that effort was in vain? He didn't have the heart for that.

It would take a monster to do something like that.

But Paladin Danse was as far from an innocent as a man could possibly get.

"I want you to inject this into Worwick's artery. When he's asleep, preferably."

There. Another sin to add up to the pile. Another death he was going to be directly responsible for. If he hadn't known already that he was going to burn in hell for all eternity, that would have been the point he found out. A good person wouldn't have coped with the weight of remorse - it would have broken them.

Thank goodness Danse was already a damned man.

Haylen took the syringe from him and he saw the deep frown on her face when she recognized the anesthetic he had given her.

"I'm sorry, sir, but..." Her hands began trembling. "I can't. I shouldn't..."

"This is an order and I want it executed immediately," he replied, every word like a dagger pushed into his heart. He was a monster. "I'm taking the responsibility on myself."

He didn't stay to check if she even carried out that order. She was, after all, one of the best. She would do it, even if it was him who would later be haunted by nightmares.

It was strange, how a man could commit a crime by simply saying something. How he didn't have to actually be there to kill the soldier.

That was, after all, how the world had ended.

That was also why Danse himself had never and would never aspire to be a higher-ranked officer than he already was. He couldn't even imagine the nightmares that had to plague Arthur or Sarah... Maybe that was why Sarah hadn't been able to bear it.

He set down his power armor helmet on the table on the guard post. There was a chessboard lying there as well, the one Keane and Worwick had used to play checkers on their watch. He didn't even touch it.

It was as peaceful an evening as it had been a day, and he was coming to the conclusion that either the Wasteland had decided he had had enough and deserved some peace or that he was such a terrible criminal that being left alone to his thoughts was the worst punishment.

To be honest, Danse was closer to believing in that second one.

He stirred when he heard some movement behind himself ( _heard_ some movement? what was going on with him?), stood up and pointed his laser rifle at the threat. He relaxed when he realized that the 'threat' was just Haylen. Still, something felt amiss. She was on the edge of breaking into tears, it was clear, and yet she just stood there, looking at him - in the same way that he just stood in front of her.

After what felt like an eternity, she collapsed into his arms, tears streaming down her cheeks. Danse took a step back, unprepared, as she hugged him. She was well over a head shorter than him, so she couldn't embrace him properly, but he did eventually wrap his arms around her. She pressed her head into his chest, her tears wettening his uniform, but neither of them said a word. Danse wasn't sure if he would even be able to - there was so much he would never tell another person, all those feelings that were gnawing at him from inside. He just wanted her to know that it wasn't her fault, that it was all only his doing, his responsibility. He hoped that maybe holding her when she clearly needed it would be a good way to get that message across.

Eventually, she pulled away and silently wiped the last tears from her eyes. They looked at each other for a very long moment and neither of them moved until Danse looked down at the ground.

Haylen kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Then, she just walked away. Danse stared after her for what felt like an eternity, not sure why she had behaved like that, why she thanked him. He didn't know what was the reason for that treatment from her - he only knew one thing.

He sure as hell didn't deserve it.


End file.
